My ten year old son has Sensory Processing Disorder. This means that he processes sensory input at 10-100x the intensity that you or I do, depending on the circumstance. Lights, smells, noise, and texture can seriously make him get wiggy.
This weekend we had two birthday parties to attend. He's old enough for me to drop him off and come back later to get him, but I didn't. Before we go, I have to prep him. Who will be there, how long will it last, what activities will we do, and most importantly- how long do we have to stay? This is what we negotiate before ever walking out the door.
Birthday party #1 was at an arts and crafts center. He is not comfortable with arts and crafts because there are no rules, and he likes the dependability of structure. He takes a lot of time to process multiple-step, unfamiliar projects, so this environment was not set up for his success. But, birthday parties aren't about him, they are about the birthday boy or girl, and I want him to understand that.
He decided before we even went out the door that he wasn't going to make anything, and he was just going to be present for his friend (but could we please leave early?). I try really hard not to enable his non-participation in social events, but I also want to support his feelings and coping mechanisms. I told him he needed to be polite, and could just watch if he wanted to, but that if he thought of something to make that he should go for it.
All of the colors, activity, and an unfamiliar environment were what hit him when we first went in the door. He greeted the birthday hosts, and found his spot at a table in the corner. They were all given their standard supplies, and told they could pick out anything extra they wanted. He took the standard supplies because that's what everyone had, but nothing extra. He doesn't like to stand out. He pitter-pattered around for about 10 minutes. He didn't glue or cut anything, just stuck with the standard supplies. He watched other kids create, make, and craft, but wasn't comfortable enough to take that role on himself.
After an hour, he asked if we could leave. They hadn't even had cake or opened presents. I could have insisted that we stay for those parts and he would have agreed, because he knows those are part of a birthday party, but we had another party to go to right away, and I knew he would need some transition time.
We made our excuses, and I found myself wondering if we were being rude? Should we not have come at all? Or, was it more important that we came for a little while?
Before we went to our next party, we agreed to go home for 20 mintues to get grounded and re-calibrated. He was fine to leave the house then, and off to the next party we went.
It's hard to watch your child be non-participatory. Other kids were smiling, and proud of themselves for their creations. But, while my kid didn't jump into the middle of everything, I was proud of him for using his manners, and for learning how to cope in unfamiliar circumstances.
Although I do question whether or not he would have acted differently had I not been there, I'm glad I was for this one because the next day's party was at John's Incredible Pizza. Enough said.
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